• The Insidious Effects of Verbal Abuse in the Workplace by C. Romm

The Insidious Effects of Verbal Abuse in the Workplace by C. Romm

….The physical and emotional effects of verbal and emotional abuse at work — whether it comes from a boss or a colleague — can linger for a long time. The Cut talked to experts on workplace abuse about how to recognize it, the toll it takes on workers, and why it so often flies under the radar.

It’s not always so easily identified.
Explosive outbursts are pretty obviously problematic, but abuse in the office often takes a sneakier form, explains Loraleigh Keashly, a professor of communication at Wayne State University who studies conflict resolution.

In a 1996 study titled “Emotional Abuse in the Workplace,” Keashly and her colleagues defined it as “hostile verbal and nonverbal behaviors that are not explicitly tied to sexual or racial content yet are directed at gaining compliance from others” — a definition that included yelling and screaming, but also things name-calling, gossip, interrupting, ignoring someone, and withholding information.

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• How to Be Assertive – Even When You’re Constantly Talked Over by M. Welding

How to Be Assertive – Even When You’re Constantly Talked Over by M. Welding

Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t learn the assertiveness skills this article is addressing, especially not women who were (as I was) raised under Christian gender complementarianism.

Complementarianism fosters codependency mindsets and behaviors in Christian girls and women, and unfortunately tells them such passive behaviors are godly, desirable, God’s design, good, right, and feminine.

These teachings actually handicap girls and women through their lives.

Such teachings convey the message to girls and women that they should be conflict avoidant, which does them no favor, because as you get older and go through life, there will be situations when you have no choice but to deal with rude, mean, or abusive bosses, co-workers, boyfriends, etc.

Complementarianism, and similar secular belief sets taught to girls, does not adequately prepare them for adulthood.

Notice, by the way, that the solutions presented in the article (a few of which I’ve copied to my blog below) do NOT rely on the “male headship” complementarian belief, where the man gets “final say so” in a dispute merely just due to the fact he has a penis (that he’s a man).

Two adults in a dispute can compromise with one another, or find another solution that does not involve one person automatically caving in to another based on biological sex.

How to Be Assertive – Even When You’re Constantly Talked Over – by M. Welding

Some snippets from that page:

Aggressive people are hostile, adopting the “my way or the highway” stance. Passive people give up their power and are easily taken advantage of, which creates a surefire recipe for burnout and resentment.

You want to be the happy medium—an assertive person.

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• Conquering Shame and Codependency – book by Darlene Lancer

Conquering Shame and Codependency – book by Darlene Lancer

I’ve only read excerpts from the book Conquering Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer, but it looks to be an interesting and maybe helpful read.

I come from a family that was heavily shame-based. My father in particular was very much into shaming my mother, siblings, and myself.

And I come from a devout Christian family – being devout Christians who regularly attended church – did nothing to halt that shaming, the hyper-criticism, the negativity.

The following material also touches on other subject matter in the midst of discussing shame and codependency, such as domestic violence and introversion.

Here are links about the book by Lancer, or links to interviews with Lancer:

Darlene Lancer’s site (with a lot of material about codependency)

Podcast: Darlene Lancer Talks Autonomy and Codependency on Mental Health News Radio

In new book, expert on codependency traces its roots in shame

Podcasts of Interviews with Lancer on Sound Cloud

Lancer Sound Cloud Podcasts

Topics on that page:

Symptoms of Codependency – Coping with Emptiness

Overcoming Codependent Guilt

Interview about Shame and Codependency

Toxic Shame | Guest Author Darlene Lancer

Snippets:

Martha Rosenberg: What are some of the ways children experience and incorporate shame during their childhoods?

Darlene Lancer:  Parents can shame their children’s needs, feelings and even interests. For example, if a child is told not to cry and “you’re a big boy now,” his need for comfort when he is in distress will be shamed.

A PBS program showed how different mothers of distressed 2-year-olds reacted. Some did not hold or even look at their children, probably because they were not comforted themselves as children.

If a child displays an interest in sports or culture or music and the parents do not approve of it, his interests can be shamed.

… Martha Rosenberg: You have also said that codependency is a progressive disease like alcoholism that leads to physical symptoms including chronic pain and final feelings of being “dead” inside. Can you describe some of your clients’ recoveries from shame and codependency?

Darlene Lancer: One of my clients was married to someone who was very verbally abusive to her. He was clever, manipulative and kept her in a “one down” position.

She tolerated the abuse because it resonated with feelings of worthlessness and weakness she had formed about herself when she was growing up.

Under a barrage of criticism, she would just freeze and not be able to find words to defend herself. She believed her own needs were selfish.

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• Complementarianism As One Basis For Sexual Harassment Against Women by C. C. James

A commentary about the “Me Too” and “Church Too” twitter trends, which highlighted sexual harassment against women by men.

The author here basically says in a much shorter format what I said in an older post comparing Christian Gender Complementarianism to Codependency:

The Silence Breakers: A Kairos Moment for the Church

Snippets:

by Carolyn Custis James

….But without investigating and addressing the sources of the problem, our efforts will fall short and the epidemic will persist.

In good conscience, we cannot adequately address this epidemic without exploring causative factors that increase female vulnerability and allow for such violations against women to occur in the first place. Otherwise, we are fighting a losing battle. We must take preventative action too.

Those Ubiquitous S-Words
Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is, put her finger on a major contributing factor when she wrote,

Women have been taught, by every cultural force imaginable, that we must be ‘nice’ and quiet’ and ‘polite,’ that we must protect others’ feelings before our own. That we are there for other’s pleasure.

The same kind of social messaging for women intensifies in the church, reinforced by the claim that the Bible supports it.

We are not taught to be strong and courageous (even though that is the Apostle Paul’s message for us). We aren’t urged to develop the kind of backbone needed in awkward situations with the opposite sex. We aren’t conditioned to be decisive and proactive.

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• The Growing Partisan Divide Over Feminism by Peter Beinart – The Republican and Conservative Women Who Want to Remain in Denial About American Sexism

I became a Republican at a young age and left the Republican Party a few years ago. I am a conservative, I am pro-life, but I don’t belong to any political party. I’m not a liberal or a Democrat myself, nor do I go by the “feminist” label for reasons explained on other posts.

However, far more than other conservatives, I see the sexism in our culture. Sexism is not a thing of the past, as some of them like to believe or assert.

American women may have life easier or better than their counterparts in Islamic nations that practice Sharia Law, but American women face sexism never- the- less (sometimes American sexism can be just as bad, though, as I wrote about in this post, with examples).

I present below an article from The Atlantic which suggests that one reason so many conservatives are reluctant to admit that sexism is still prevalent in American culture is that they associate any and all discussion of sexism with far left wing feminism, and they despise far left wing feminism (most of them hear the word “feminism” and automatically and incorrectly associate all of it with extreme liberalism).

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• Complementarianism Misnomer: It’s Really About Male Hierarchy and Female Servitude to Men – It’s Not About The Sexes Complementing Each Other

Complementarianism Misnomer: It’s Really About Male Hierarchy and Female Servitude to Men – It’s Not About The Sexes Complementing Each Other


(I still have two or three posts in Draft status on this blog regarding the subjects of Toxic Masculinity and sexual harassment. I don’t know when or if I shall ever finish those.)


The word “complementarian” (or “complementarianism”) as used by Christian gender complementarians does not truly denote or connote the complementary natures of the two biological sexes, male and female, as they often like to claim.

Depending on the type of complementarian you are speaking with or whose literature you are reading, they are either overt or subtle about what they truly believe about the term and what it’s meant to convey.

I’ve seen complementarian material where it is just assumed, a given, it is underlying all their opinions and assumptions, that the Bible teaches that God intended for males to rule over females.

The main point of my post here is to point out the dishonesty and inaccuracy of the use of language by complementarians in this matter.

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• Contradictory Expectations For Both Sexes by Christian Gender Complementarians

Contradictory Expectations For Both Sexes by Christian Gender Complementarians

Part 2: Contradictory Expectations For Both Sexes by Christian Gender Complementarians: Are Women Weak, Vulnerable, Or Strong?


INDIRECT COMMUNICATION AND MANIPULATION

Quoting in part a commentator at Wartburg Watch blog, Darlene, who wrote:

…Because at the root of this system [complementarian “Spirit of Eve” teaching] is the idea that women, in their weakness, are always attempting to find a vulnerable spot in men in order to manipulate and control them. Men, therefore, must be vigilant and not let their guard down lest ‘Eve’ succeed and overcome them.

(The quote above is from the December 2017 Wartburg Watch thread, “What is the Difference Between Nouthetic and Biblical Counseling? Just the Spelling.”)

I notice that complementarianism sets up a few no-win scenarios for women, or complementarians create the very problems they complain about.

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