• Nine Ways Therapists Personally Deal With Grief by A. Drucker

Nine Ways Therapists Personally Deal With Grief

Nine Ways Therapists Personally Deal With Grief

Snippets (I’m not going to reproduce all nine steps from their page on my blog):

From a death to a job loss to an ended relationship, here’s how experts handle loss.

By Ali Drucker

While there’s no right way to grieve, there are a number of strategies that can help you get through loss.

When you think of grief, the first thing that comes to mind is likely mourning the death of a loved one. But grief can surface around any major life transition, like ending a relationship, dealing with an illness, or even losing a job.

As Melissa Fisher Goldman, a licensed clinical social worker and member of the Association of Death Education and Counseling puts it, “we don’t get over grief; we get through it.”

For a little help getting through it, HuffPost chatted with Goldman and other therapists for practical advice on how they personally deal with grief. Here’s how they handle it:

Allow Yourself To Cry

This method may be obvious, but it’s important to point out. Danielle Forshee, a licensed clinical social worker in New Jersey, said that during times of grief, she makes an effort not to suppress her tears.

There’s actually some science that supports the benefits of a good, cathartic sob.

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• Rob Delaney Wants To “Destigmatize Grief” By Opening Up About His First Christmas Since His Son Died by M. Blackmon – And: 2018 Examples of Grief

Rob Delaney Wants To “Destigmatize Grief” By Opening Up About His First Christmas Since His Son Died by M. Blackmon – And: 2018 Examples of Grief

The thing about grief is that it takes a lot of people two or more years to get through the passing of their loved one. Most Christians, though, act as though a person who experiences the death of a loved one should get over it instantly and do so in private (i.e., on their own, all alone).

There’s a complete ignorance, insensitivity, and impatience in how Christians handle someone they meet who is grieving.

I suppose that sometimes Non-Christians can be equally as terrible at dealing with grief, but it seems more common with Christians.

I think with the passing of time, that loss does get much easier to cope with, but one never stops missing their departed loved one, and the first few years after the death, particularly milestone dates, such as that person’s birthday, perhaps holidays, and so on, can be ten times more difficult to get through.

Notice how the people in the examples below are still emotional and upset about the passing of their loved one a year or more afterwards, and, it’s especially more difficult to cope with the death during holidays.

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• ‘We Are Never Alone’: Embracing The Pain That Grips Many of Us During the Christmas Season by M. Dowd

‘We Are Never Alone’: Embracing The Pain That Grips Many of Us During the Christmas Season by M. Dowd

‘We Are Never Alone’: Embracing The Pain That Grips Many of Us During the Christmas Season by M. Dowd

• Expressing Anger is Healthy. Here’s How Parents Can Encourage Their Girls to Get Angry and Show It by K. Rope

Expressing Anger is Healthy. Here’s How Parents Can Encourage Their Girls to Get Angry and Show It by K. Rope

As I’ve noted before, Christian Gender Complementarianism is nothing but Codependency for Girls and women.

My mother was a Christian who believed in traditional gender roles as taught by the Baptist church, and she was definitely codependent – in part because of those sexist Christian complementarian teachings, but also due to having been raised in an alcoholic family where she took on codependent behaviors to try to protect herself.

One aspect of complementarianism – of codependency – is to socialize girls and women to suppress their anger.

Secular culture also plays at that game as well, but churches lay it on even more strongly, and tell girls and women it’s “God’s design” for girls and women to always be sweet, agreeable and smiley, to lack boundaries – so, if you are female, you’re never supposed to show anger.

Since I’ve abandoned complementarianism and codependency, I’ve had to learn how to show anger, and I’ve had to realize it’s okay to show anger – this comes after years and years, up to my early 40s!, of repressing anger.

One thing that continual repression of anger (and boundaries) can do in a person is lead to, or intensify, depression and anxiety.  God did not design girls and women to be perpetual, loving, sweet, little cupcakes who never express their anger, no matter what.

My mother definitely taught me from youth to place a premium in how others perceived me, that I care more about what others thought about me than what I thought about myself, and that I come across as “likable” and “sweet” to everyone all the time – that was a huge, huge parenting Fail on her part.

Expressing Anger is Healthy. Here’s How Parents Can Encourage Their Girls to Get Angry and Show It 

Snippets:

In telling girls to be nice and stifle anger, we neglect to teach them they have a right to be respected

by K. Rope

….The other book, “Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger” by Soraya Chemaly, looks at the extensive research on our gendered relationship with anger.

There is little difference in how boys and girls experience and express emotions, says Chemaly, but there is substantial difference in how we respond. Girls are rewarded for being pleasant, agreeable and helpful.

By preschool, children believe it is normal for boys to be angry, but not girls.

“We are so busy teaching girls to be likable that we forget to teach them that they have the right to be respected,” Chemaly told me. And the effects of that carry into adulthood.

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• The “Five Stages” of Grief Don’t Tell The Whole Story of Dealing With Loss by Nick Haslam

The “Five Stages” of Grief Don’t Tell The Whole Story of Dealing With Loss by Nick Haslam

Based on my personal experience with grief, and talking with others (and I’ve been toying with doing a blog post about this eventually), most Christians are inept or out and out insensitive in ministering to people in grief.

And by being insensitive, I don’t mean to say it’s not always the judgmental things Christians say to those in mourning, but the fact that some of them avoid the one in grief altogether.

Many Christians would rather not spend time with meeting the emotional needs of the person in grief, because, dang nab it, that would actually require putting someone else’s needs before their own, which in turn, means giving that person your time.

And Christians I know don’t want to do that – they just pat you on your head, feed you a Jesus-sounding platitude, and push you out the door, all so they can go back to their comfy recliner and continue watching NetFlix. They cannot be bothered with actually being there for the wounded. But maybe more on that in a future post, if I can get around to it. For now, there’s this….

The “Five Stages” of Grief Don’t Tell The Whole Story of Dealing With Loss by Nick Haslam

Grief can seem desolate for those in the thick of it who often feel unable to imagine a way out of their suffering. But, as time passes, the pain usually dampens or becomes more fleeting.

Understanding the normal trajectory of grief matters for the person experiencing the grief and those treating them. Attempts to provide a map of the bereavement process have typically proposed a sequence of stages. The “five stages” model is the best known, with the stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

While there is some evidence for these stages, the experience of grief is highly individualized and not well captured by their fixed sequence.

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• An Intolerance of Uncertainty is Linked to Anxiety and Depression. Here’s How to Get Better at Tolerating It by K. Wong

An Intolerance of Uncertainty is Linked to Anxiety and Depression. Here’s How to Get Better at Tolerating It by K. Wong

I find some of what follows applicable to religious thought not just to mental health (anxiety, depression).

Many Christians, those of other faiths, and even many atheists, act completely certain about topics such as religion, salvation, the after-life, or if a deity (or deities) exist.

This following page reminds me a little bit of Pete Enns’ work on the topic of certainty in Christianity:

The Sin of Certainty by Pete Enns

“The controversial evangelical Bible scholar and author of The Bible Tells Me So explains how Christians mistake “certainty” and “correct belief” for faith when what God really desires is trust and intimacy.”

I’ve become more comfortable with uncertainty over the last few years and find myself rather put-off by people who claim to understand everything perfectly, who act as though they understand why everything happens, to claim to know definitely that a God does not exist, and so forth.

Being at that level of certainty can make a person arrogant or closed-off to considering other views, or to considering that maybe their opinions or understanding of some topic or another may be incorrect.

An Intolerance of Uncertainty is Linked to Anxiety and Depression. Here’s How to Get Better at Tolerating It

Excerpts:

If you’ve ever taken a philosophy class, you’ve probably heard of the Socratic paradox: “The only thing I know is that I know nothing.”

It advocates for the benefits of uncertainty, a point of view that happens to be backed by modern psychological science, too. Namely, uncertainty “improves our decisions, promotes empathy, and boosts creativity,” says Jamie Holmes, a Future Tense Fellow at New America and author of the book, Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing.

Likewise, a 2014 study suggests that uncertainty can also be motivating. A little uncertainty is good for you.

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• The Insidious Effects of Verbal Abuse in the Workplace by C. Romm

The Insidious Effects of Verbal Abuse in the Workplace by C. Romm

….The physical and emotional effects of verbal and emotional abuse at work — whether it comes from a boss or a colleague — can linger for a long time. The Cut talked to experts on workplace abuse about how to recognize it, the toll it takes on workers, and why it so often flies under the radar.

It’s not always so easily identified.
Explosive outbursts are pretty obviously problematic, but abuse in the office often takes a sneakier form, explains Loraleigh Keashly, a professor of communication at Wayne State University who studies conflict resolution.

In a 1996 study titled “Emotional Abuse in the Workplace,” Keashly and her colleagues defined it as “hostile verbal and nonverbal behaviors that are not explicitly tied to sexual or racial content yet are directed at gaining compliance from others” — a definition that included yelling and screaming, but also things name-calling, gossip, interrupting, ignoring someone, and withholding information.

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