Conquering Shame and Codependency – book by Darlene Lancer
I’ve only read excerpts from the book Conquering Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer, but it looks to be an interesting and maybe helpful read.
I come from a family that was heavily shame-based. My father in particular was very much into shaming my mother, siblings, and myself.
And I come from a devout Christian family – being devout Christians who regularly attended church – did nothing to halt that shaming, the hyper-criticism, the negativity.
The following material also touches on other subject matter in the midst of discussing shame and codependency, such as domestic violence and introversion.
Here are links about the book by Lancer, or links to interviews with Lancer:
Darlene Lancer’s site (with a lot of material about codependency)
Podcast: Darlene Lancer Talks Autonomy and Codependency on Mental Health News Radio
In new book, expert on codependency traces its roots in shame
Podcasts of Interviews with Lancer on Sound Cloud
Lancer Sound Cloud Podcasts
Topics on that page:
Symptoms of Codependency – Coping with Emptiness
Overcoming Codependent Guilt
Interview about Shame and Codependency
Toxic Shame | Guest Author Darlene Lancer
Martha Rosenberg: What are some of the ways children experience and incorporate shame during their childhoods?
Darlene Lancer: Parents can shame their children’s needs, feelings and even interests. For example, if a child is told not to cry and “you’re a big boy now,” his need for comfort when he is in distress will be shamed.
A PBS program showed how different mothers of distressed 2-year-olds reacted. Some did not hold or even look at their children, probably because they were not comforted themselves as children.
If a child displays an interest in sports or culture or music and the parents do not approve of it, his interests can be shamed.
… Martha Rosenberg: You have also said that codependency is a progressive disease like alcoholism that leads to physical symptoms including chronic pain and final feelings of being “dead” inside. Can you describe some of your clients’ recoveries from shame and codependency?
Darlene Lancer: One of my clients was married to someone who was very verbally abusive to her. He was clever, manipulative and kept her in a “one down” position.
She tolerated the abuse because it resonated with feelings of worthlessness and weakness she had formed about herself when she was growing up.
Under a barrage of criticism, she would just freeze and not be able to find words to defend herself. She believed her own needs were selfish.