Understanding Grief, by Jane E. Brody
I have been considering writing a post or two of my own about grief, and I may still.
My experience after my mother died a few years ago is that the vast majority of Christians are not only terrible and incompetent at ministering to those with grief but they are, in addition, heartless.
Rather than receive love, encouragement, and empathy from Christians I approached after the death of my mother, I was subjected to all sorts of hurtful attitudes, actions, and comments: some Christians ignored me, hoping I’d back off and stop calling; some lectured me; some shamed me; some victim blamed me, some gave cold, hard advice.
Grief is going to happen to each and every person reading this post. You too will have someone you love very much die before you do.
If you are a Christian who has yet to experience the death of a loved one, do not count on the Christians around you to be there for you during your time of loss, because most of them (perhaps not any) will not support you, nor do most of them truly want to support you during your grief. I can perhaps blog on that issue more at a future date.
I believe all Christians should read this article at the New York Times about grief and learn from it:
Understanding Grief, via New York Times
Snippets:
“There is no right or wrong in grief; we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others”
by Jane E. Brody
Although many of us are able to speak frankly about death, we still have a lot to learn about dealing wisely with its aftermath: grief, the natural reaction to loss of a loved one.
Relatively few of us know what to say or do that can be truly helpful to a relative, friend or acquaintance who is grieving. In fact, relatively few who have suffered a painful loss know how to be most helpful to themselves.
Two new books by psychotherapists who have worked extensively in the field of loss and grief are replete with stories and guidance that can help both those in mourning and the people they encounter avoid many of the common pitfalls and misunderstandings associated with grief. Both books attempt to correct false assumptions about how and how long grief might be experienced.
One book, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK,” by Megan Devine of Portland, Ore., has the telling subtitle “Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.”
….The other book, especially illuminating in its coverage of how people cope with different kinds of losses, is “Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving,” by Julia Samuel, who works with bereaved families both in private practice and at England’s National Health Service, at St. Mary’s hospital, Paddington.
The books share a most telling message: As Ms. Samuel put it, “There is no right or wrong in grief; we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.” Recognizing loss as a universal experience, Ms. Devine hopes that “if we can start to understand the true nature of grief, we can have a more helpful, loving, supportive culture.”
Both authors emphasize that grief is not a problem to be solved or resolved. Rather, it’s a process to be tended and lived through in whatever form and however long it may take.
“The process cannot be hurried by friends and family,” however well meaning their desire to relieve the griever’s anguish, Ms. Samuel wrote. “Recovery and adjustment can take much longer than most people realize. We need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.”
We can all benefit from learning how to respond to grief in ways that don’t prolong, intensify or dismiss the pain. Likewise, those trying to help need to know that grief cannot be fit into a preordained time frame or form of expression. Too often people who experience a loss are disparaged because their mourning persists longer than others think reasonable or because they remain self-contained and seem not to mourn at all.
….As a bereaved mother told Ms. Samuel, “You never ‘get over it,’ you ‘get on with it,’ and you never ‘move on,’ but you ‘move forward.’”
Ms. Devine agrees that being “encouraged to ‘get over it’ is one of the biggest causes of suffering inside grief.” Rather than trying to “cure” pain, the goal should be to minimize suffering, which she said “comes when we feel dismissed or unsupported in our pain, with being told there is something wrong with what you feel.”
She explains that pain cannot be “fixed,” that companionship, not correction, is the best way to deal with grief. She encourages those who want to be helpful to “bear witnf into a graphic novel with a very dark story line. Or go out to the woods and tell the trees. It is an immense relief to be able to tell your story without someone trying to fix it.”
She also suggests keeping a journal that records situations that either intensify or relieve suffering.
You can read the rest of that article on The New York Times here if you have several free online articles left to read there, or if you have a subscription.
The Griefbot That Could Change How We Mourn
What To Say (and What Not To Say) To Someone Who Is Grieving by D. Pogue
Grief Support Gone Wrong: When You’re Beyond Second Chances – from WYG site
Man Copes With the Death of His Wife By Hiking
The Death of a Child: Understanding the Grief Facing Charlie Gard’s Parents by Jessica Firger
The Internet Has Changed The Way We Grieve Forever by Jo Bell
Victimhood, Victim Blaming, and Moving On
For Some of Us Running Is the Key To Managing Depression And Anxiety by Scott Douglas
Why Keeping a Diary Helps You Move On And Even Improves Your Heart Health – Daily Mail
Miss Daisy Flower 